Day 25-12

I was so hoping to begin this morning by saying "I did it!" - but we didn't get to go to the range after all, just too much to do and had to focus on the priorities so will save that for another day. The subject of CS' message today was "The Shadow of the Giant". I associated immediately with the "valley of the shadow of death" since that Psalm (23) has been going through my mind almost every day for the last month. That particular shadow wasn't the subject he was referring to but we all have our shadows and that's mine for today. (I peeked ahead a couple of topics and the one two days away is on "Pain" - do you see what I mean about God giving me exactly what I need when I need it? Happy face here)

Well, I have reached the first destination on the journey - S day. Saw the eye doctor four weeks ago today and it feels like I've been on a bullet train through the maze of the medical system with long and frequent stops at "WAIT HERE" stations along the way. I'll be using an alternate form of transportation going forward that sounds very much like "pedestrian" (now "equestrian" - that I could be very happy with and it does rhyme - and it even qualifies as a life-long dream! Kevin offered to get me a burro but I think I'll pass on that one.)

Have to admit I'm scared about so many things - have to also trust that the thousands of prayers going up on my behalf are making a difference, that I'm in good hands, that my guardian angels (yes, I'm convinced I really do have them) are always vigilant, no matter whose hands I'm in.

So, dear friends and family, just in case I'm not able to write soon - and just for the record - and just for the sake of those who don't know me well, I need to tell you about my very best friend. To those of you who are not believers in Christ, please, please know there is no intention whatever to offend you but I just can't help sharing what he has done for me. Ps 103: 4 says "who redeems your life from the pit". I learned that as a child as "Who redeemeth your life from destruction". That's what Jesus did for me 35 years ago. I'm not talking about being "saved" because I think I always have been. I was born into a Christian home, baptized as an infant, part of a church and Christian school that helped teach and raise me, and made my own sincere profession of my faith when I was 14. I honestly feel like God claimed me at the moment of conception and I've always been a little sad that I didn't have a "conversion" experience like some do. What I'm talking about, though, is redemption - and I think a lot of believers miss that part.

I remember long ago looking up the word "redeem": "to regain possession by paying a specified sum...to rescue or ransom." I believe that takes brokenness, which not many of us would sign up for. About 35 years ago I had a significant stop in the journey of my life because it was a place at which I needed to linger long enough to feel the depths of pain my own words and actions had caused, and it shattered me. But Jesus stepped in among the shards, bought them back, and fashioned them together in a much better way. (Claire Cloninger has a beautiful book about the process, When God Shines Through.) Although that initial experience was a watershed event for me, and I've never had to go back to that beginning, the living and learning process since then has been a lifelong one, with delays, detours, and sometimes a few steps back. There have been times in these 35 years that I haven't looked or acted or felt "redeemed" at all and even times when I've felt completely forsaken by God, but I'll save those for another day. This is about God saying, no matter what I've done to hurt him, myself, or others, "begin again with me, in love". That's something Gary and I have learned to apply to our marriage as well, to begin again in love, no matter how many tries we have to make.

That life changing experience did leave me with this strange and often embarrassing "weeping syndrome" (my term). It just seems like my heart was so tenderized by the love and passion of Christ that my eyes often run with tears, especially when I pray or worship. They aren't the kind that leave the burning eyes and stuffy nose, but rather sweetly refreshing ones - I call them Spirit tears and I'm convinced there's a physical and chemical difference in them. I've tried hard to get "over it" but think after this long they're probably going to hang around as long as I do.

For those who have been following this, thanks for taking the time to walk with me this far. And I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but if, for any reason, I can't write soon, I wanted to leave you with these words from a precious old hymn - the one I would like sung at the end of my memorial service if I ever have one. It's a song that first taught me what "grace" really means and the lyrics go like this (accentuation points are mine):

Not What My Hands Have Done

by George William Martin - 1862

Not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul,

Not what my toiling flesh has borne can make my spirit whole.

Not what I feel or do can give me peace with God,

Not all my prayers and sighs and tears can bear my awful load.

Thy grace alone, O God, to me can pardon speak.

Thy power alone, O Son of God, can this sore bondage break.

No other work save thine, no other blood will do,

No strength, save that which is divine can bear me safely through.

I bless the Christ of God, I rest on love divine,

And with unfaltering lip and heart I call this Savior mine.

'Tis He that saveth me and freely pardon gives.

I love, because He loveth me, I live because He lives.

Grace, mercy, and peace to each of you, my friends. "It is well with my soul" - but oh, I do hope to write again soon!

with love,
Val