Day 14 - 1 6/7/10

This is the 14th day of my journey, 1st day on the blogsite. Found out two weeks ago today about the large tumor behind my eye and we still don't know for sure just what it is, but hope to get some answers today. For those wondering how it came to be diagnosed, I've had some swelling around my right eye for a few months and about three weeks ago had a sudden loss of near vision in just one week. Went to the eye doctor and then began the rounds of tests. It's really surprising how quickly things happen when there's an initial diagnosis of "osteosarcoma". I had the MRI on the 24th, saw the oncologist the 25th, more CT scans the 26th, spent the 27th in a nerve-wracking waiting game, had the long holiday weekend, got an appt with a neurosurgeon on the 1st, had to tell my kids and family that night before having a biopsy in the OR on the 2nd and then started the waiting game again so we'll see what today brings. Telling my family and waiting have been, by far, the hardest things to do. I do still look like a candidate for a battered women's shelter but it's getting better every day - plus, I have some sexy new big sunglasses!

So - the journey is to share my thoughts and information for those who have interest, without bombarding anyone with emails. I have to say this whole thing still seems surreal. Were it not for the black eye and stitches, I would look in the mirror and say I'm perfectly healthy. There was no pain before the biopsy but they had to drill into the bone so there's a little residual hurting from that. I still have energy and strength and feel perfectly fine, so thank-you, Lord, for that. It's funny because I was talking with John (my wonderful boss) just a couple of months ago and asked him what he would do with his life if he found out he had just a year to live. I said I would probably quit work right away but of course, the reality of that is impossible since I need insurance. But you know what? I can't wait to get back to work and long for things to just be normal again. I have a great job in a wonderful company (CH2M HILL, an environmental engineering that makes a really good difference all over the world, 24,000 people and I think about 300 offices globally), I have wonderful friends there and so much enjoy what I do, offering support to our Chief Human Resources Officer and to our Senior HR leadership team and I really hope to be back there as soon as possible.

Part of the journey, of course, is emotional and spiritual and I wanted to tell you about just a couple of the ways God has prepared me for this. I listen to KPOF, 91Am in the mornings and a couple of months ago they featured a new album called "Hidden in the Heart" - a lullaby journey through scripture. What I heard touched my heart so much that I had the album on my "to do" list to buy and when I learned of this last week, went right online, ordered it and had it the next day or two. The night I first got the diagnosis I couldn't sleep and when I went up to get ready for work, for some reason my radio was on and playing. It was a woman singing a prayer over her children, and it honestly seemed as if God himself were singing over me. I bought that one too, it's by Rachel Aldous, the CD is called "Transform Me" and the song I was referring to is Hannah's song at the end. Both of those CDs have been an incredible blessing so far. They do make me cry, but you know, I'm not crying over having this, I only shed a few tears of fear the very first night when I had to tell Gary. I weep when I feel love - the love of God, of family, of friends. To love and be loved is absolutely the only thing that counts in this world. I had three dear and precious "sisters" praying for me since almost the beginning and now have so many more. So to all who are, thank you so much. My deepest desire is to honor God in the way I deal with this so even though I would love to be healed, that has not been my prayer so far. May I encourage you in something, though? Think today about what you would do with your life if you had a year to live. No, don't run out and quit your job. Instead, realize how incredibly blessed you are to have a job right now and do your absolute BEST for your boss today. Enjoy your family, even if it means a messy house. Take time today to do something you love, just for yourself. Open your heart to the beauty and the wonder of this world around and thank God for what you have. There's a verse I want to share with you that's posted right now above my kitchen sink from Romans 15:13:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Sprit."